2008 Woodie Awards
Exert yourself
Josh Anderson
Issue date: 9/19/07 Section: Opinion
- Page 1 of 1
The road to gluttony is always under construction. I am a satisfied subscriber to the sin of gluttony. Although I have not achieved a NASCAR-fan level of obesity, I certainly possess a fat man's fondness for food. America is a wonderfully plentiful nation when it comes to food, and most people choose not to regulate their physique. If this is not immediately apparent from your current surroundings, go shop at Wal-Mart and try to find someone wearing pants that don't have an elastic waist.
Another fun experiment when trying to find fatties is as simple as flying: the longer the flight, the better your chances are that the sumo-wrestler-in-training lumbering down the aisle is going to sit down next to you. Unfortunately, the armrest will not contain his bulk, and you will be constantly shifting to avoid the Jabba-like expansion. When this happens to me, I like to place pennies on my tray-table and watch as they are lifted into orbit around the walrus with the seat belt extension. The only thing worse is the woman of equal dimensions who has made the wise choice of traveling in ill-fitting spandex.
I have little guilt over my eating habits, mainly because I exercise often but also because I am unable to comprehend the circulating food knowledge in our culture. Take, for example, the "calorie." According to my Uncle Bob, who is a premier Nashville cardiologist, the battle against excess pounds depends on the ratio of caloric intake to calories burned. My research has determined that these so called "calories" are actually microscopic spirits that are the intangible energy providers in our food. These fun-loving sprites are rounded up and numbered for our nutrition labels. Apparently, calories are only good in moderation, like Vince Vaughn.
Once calories begin to increase in number, they begin to build houses out of fat (a process known as cellular architecture). These microscopic houses add inches to our waist, and so we exercise. Exercise is so abhorrent an activity to the calorie fairies that they douse themselves in gasoline and light themselves on fire in protest of our purposeful exertion (much like the monks protested the Vietnam War). Although a gruesome process, this is how scientists detail the process of exercise. We have no shortage of calories, and it is their choice to set themselves alight. However, once the Zetas read this column, they will possibly forget about Darfur and start focusing their gratingly obnoxious "righteous crusader" instinct on the injustice of the calorie spirits' senseless deaths (we can only hope).
Although health is important, I believe it is also important to enjoy eating good food. Exercise allows you to eat what you want and is itself quite enjoyable. A sensible balance of exercise and fulfilling fare is my approach to life, and I think many a miserable calorie counter could enjoy life more if they adopted my school of thought. But I'm finished writing for now - my Domino's Deep-Dish Josh Anderson Special (mushrooms, pepperoni and black olives) has arrived.
Josh Anderson is a senior finance major from Montgomery, Ala. He can be reached at
jmanders@samford.edu.
Another fun experiment when trying to find fatties is as simple as flying: the longer the flight, the better your chances are that the sumo-wrestler-in-training lumbering down the aisle is going to sit down next to you. Unfortunately, the armrest will not contain his bulk, and you will be constantly shifting to avoid the Jabba-like expansion. When this happens to me, I like to place pennies on my tray-table and watch as they are lifted into orbit around the walrus with the seat belt extension. The only thing worse is the woman of equal dimensions who has made the wise choice of traveling in ill-fitting spandex.
I have little guilt over my eating habits, mainly because I exercise often but also because I am unable to comprehend the circulating food knowledge in our culture. Take, for example, the "calorie." According to my Uncle Bob, who is a premier Nashville cardiologist, the battle against excess pounds depends on the ratio of caloric intake to calories burned. My research has determined that these so called "calories" are actually microscopic spirits that are the intangible energy providers in our food. These fun-loving sprites are rounded up and numbered for our nutrition labels. Apparently, calories are only good in moderation, like Vince Vaughn.
Once calories begin to increase in number, they begin to build houses out of fat (a process known as cellular architecture). These microscopic houses add inches to our waist, and so we exercise. Exercise is so abhorrent an activity to the calorie fairies that they douse themselves in gasoline and light themselves on fire in protest of our purposeful exertion (much like the monks protested the Vietnam War). Although a gruesome process, this is how scientists detail the process of exercise. We have no shortage of calories, and it is their choice to set themselves alight. However, once the Zetas read this column, they will possibly forget about Darfur and start focusing their gratingly obnoxious "righteous crusader" instinct on the injustice of the calorie spirits' senseless deaths (we can only hope).
Although health is important, I believe it is also important to enjoy eating good food. Exercise allows you to eat what you want and is itself quite enjoyable. A sensible balance of exercise and fulfilling fare is my approach to life, and I think many a miserable calorie counter could enjoy life more if they adopted my school of thought. But I'm finished writing for now - my Domino's Deep-Dish Josh Anderson Special (mushrooms, pepperoni and black olives) has arrived.
Josh Anderson is a senior finance major from Montgomery, Ala. He can be reached at
jmanders@samford.edu.