2008 Woodie Awards
Triple P: America's future
Jenna Edwards
Issue date: 9/12/07 Section: Opinion
- Page 1 of 1
As the United States gears up for the 2008 election season, Americans are constantly barraged with candidates' ambitious plans for the future. Whether determining how to change the previous administration's woes or creating an entirely new program for broadening America's horizons, everyone has an opinion about everything.
Luckily, I too developed a plan (with considerable input from my dad and brother - sorry, Mom, no credit for you this time). My Petroleum and Population Plan (Triple P) addresses several major problems in the U.S. and the world, including prisoners, population and petroleum production. And, like any true campaign plan, alliteration forms the backbone of my platform.
One word sums up the first part of the plan: annexation. That's right - Canada will be a giant waste of space no more. Sure, the Mounties may put up a small resistance, but that's why we have giant pharmaceutical companies to produce horse tranquilizers. And we all know that Britain isn't going to war over Canada, even if Elizabeth II is technically their queen. Once we've doubled our land mass, the real reform begins.
The Northwest Territories will officially become America's first prison state. With the prisons 200 miles into the Canadian wilderness, the need for security measures will be dramatically lessened. The prisoners will be put to work on the economically beneficial project of drilling for oil. Right now, those Canadian prudes think there's something noble about letting trees grow. But with them out of the way, we can finally exploit Canada the way it should be. Energy independence may be closer than you think.
Our new territory and its prison state will need a quality service industry and reliable administrators. We'll keep some Canadians around, of course, but we can't afford to neglect these vital needs. Thus, Newfoundland will officially become the new Jewish state. The Israeli army and a significant Mossad contingent will remain in Jerusalem to give the Palestinians something to do, but the rest will be relocated, limiting potential casualties in Israel. The Newfewies (as Dad calls them) can head to Greenland or join the circus. Either way, the Jews are moving in. After all, we need a dependable pool of doctors, accountants and media personnel to run our Canadian prison state for us. Jon Stewart will be offered the position of Press Secretary, inevitably.
Don't worry - I haven't been remiss. I also have a plan for solving our immigration problems. With global warming becoming such an imminent reality and with my consistent choice to leave environmental action to someone else, the waters of Newfoundland will soon become North America's new vacation oasis. And that means construction jobs, because luxurious condominiums won't build and clean themselves. Many immigrants will find jobs in industries such as logging, hunting, mining and bottling glacier water.
My Petroleum and Population Plan solves some significant issues facing the U.S. and exploits others. While, unfortunately for America, I'm not running for any significant offices in the upcoming election season, I urge you to pay attention to the candidates' platforms and think hard about whom you choose to vote for. Do they have a solid plan to capitalize on America's potential? More importantly, will they commission Adam Sandler to write the Newfoundland national anthem?
Luckily, I too developed a plan (with considerable input from my dad and brother - sorry, Mom, no credit for you this time). My Petroleum and Population Plan (Triple P) addresses several major problems in the U.S. and the world, including prisoners, population and petroleum production. And, like any true campaign plan, alliteration forms the backbone of my platform.
One word sums up the first part of the plan: annexation. That's right - Canada will be a giant waste of space no more. Sure, the Mounties may put up a small resistance, but that's why we have giant pharmaceutical companies to produce horse tranquilizers. And we all know that Britain isn't going to war over Canada, even if Elizabeth II is technically their queen. Once we've doubled our land mass, the real reform begins.
The Northwest Territories will officially become America's first prison state. With the prisons 200 miles into the Canadian wilderness, the need for security measures will be dramatically lessened. The prisoners will be put to work on the economically beneficial project of drilling for oil. Right now, those Canadian prudes think there's something noble about letting trees grow. But with them out of the way, we can finally exploit Canada the way it should be. Energy independence may be closer than you think.
Our new territory and its prison state will need a quality service industry and reliable administrators. We'll keep some Canadians around, of course, but we can't afford to neglect these vital needs. Thus, Newfoundland will officially become the new Jewish state. The Israeli army and a significant Mossad contingent will remain in Jerusalem to give the Palestinians something to do, but the rest will be relocated, limiting potential casualties in Israel. The Newfewies (as Dad calls them) can head to Greenland or join the circus. Either way, the Jews are moving in. After all, we need a dependable pool of doctors, accountants and media personnel to run our Canadian prison state for us. Jon Stewart will be offered the position of Press Secretary, inevitably.
Don't worry - I haven't been remiss. I also have a plan for solving our immigration problems. With global warming becoming such an imminent reality and with my consistent choice to leave environmental action to someone else, the waters of Newfoundland will soon become North America's new vacation oasis. And that means construction jobs, because luxurious condominiums won't build and clean themselves. Many immigrants will find jobs in industries such as logging, hunting, mining and bottling glacier water.
My Petroleum and Population Plan solves some significant issues facing the U.S. and exploits others. While, unfortunately for America, I'm not running for any significant offices in the upcoming election season, I urge you to pay attention to the candidates' platforms and think hard about whom you choose to vote for. Do they have a solid plan to capitalize on America's potential? More importantly, will they commission Adam Sandler to write the Newfoundland national anthem?
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