2008 Woodie Awards
This humor column's better
Brian Willett
Issue date: 9/5/07 Section: Opinion
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Sighs. Look, they asked me to write this; I thought I quit. Even worse, they asked me to write a column about Samford stereotypes. Of course, regurgitating every column I wrote last year is probably not considered good journalism. So, what's a girl to do? Well, in the television world, we call what I'm about to write a "gimmick."
Honestly, if you read anything I wrote last year, you should probably stop reading this because it really is going to be everything you've already read.
I only say this because I know it will get you to continue reading. Regardless, I will now provide you with a rundown of the various Samford groups.
I would keep this list, so you can refer to it during the rest of you tenure at this glorious university.
Discus tossusus - This is typically a seasonal pack that you will see during the spring and fall. Look out! Here comes a Frisbee your way! Did you see it go through the fountain? Oh, the talent! People in this group tend to have one or both jean cuffs rolled up.
They also usually have a hammock in the most conspicuous spaces on Samford's campus.
Christus copouticus - There is one absolute way to determine who is in this group: Walk up to one and tell that person that you have a problem.
They will immediately say, "Well, just pray about it," offering no other useful advice. Other indicators include not going to a certain church because it is "boring," using the phrase, "Hey man, don't judge," and the general reducing of God to a big fuzzy teddy bear who is only love and has no other "unpleasant" characteristics like justice and jealousy.
Independentus nofriendusus - Just look for a bitter former humor columnist who feels the need to justify his existence by making fun of everyone. Also, he'll be single and without friends.
Athleticus superiorsaurususus - These are the people that are better than you, way better. Seriously. You'll be able to identify some of them in the Caf by the unnecessarily obnoxious laughter and jumping around that sometimes happens at a mildly humorous tale. They are generally cool and some are even quite good looking.
Honestly, if you read anything I wrote last year, you should probably stop reading this because it really is going to be everything you've already read.
I only say this because I know it will get you to continue reading. Regardless, I will now provide you with a rundown of the various Samford groups.
I would keep this list, so you can refer to it during the rest of you tenure at this glorious university.
Discus tossusus - This is typically a seasonal pack that you will see during the spring and fall. Look out! Here comes a Frisbee your way! Did you see it go through the fountain? Oh, the talent! People in this group tend to have one or both jean cuffs rolled up.
They also usually have a hammock in the most conspicuous spaces on Samford's campus.
Christus copouticus - There is one absolute way to determine who is in this group: Walk up to one and tell that person that you have a problem.
They will immediately say, "Well, just pray about it," offering no other useful advice. Other indicators include not going to a certain church because it is "boring," using the phrase, "Hey man, don't judge," and the general reducing of God to a big fuzzy teddy bear who is only love and has no other "unpleasant" characteristics like justice and jealousy.
Independentus nofriendusus - Just look for a bitter former humor columnist who feels the need to justify his existence by making fun of everyone. Also, he'll be single and without friends.
Athleticus superiorsaurususus - These are the people that are better than you, way better. Seriously. You'll be able to identify some of them in the Caf by the unnecessarily obnoxious laughter and jumping around that sometimes happens at a mildly humorous tale. They are generally cool and some are even quite good looking.
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