If you helped organise this tournament, you might be in luck (Image: Justin Tallis/AFP via Getty Images)
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At last all restrictions have ended and we’re free to do whatever we want. There’s only one small regulation. You have to be one of the 2,500 UEFA officials for whom normal rules do not apply.
But as long as you can prove that, you can come into the country for the semi-finals and final of the tournament and ignore all the rules that we’re told must never be ignored.
This is all safe because there will be a government statement that: “We can relax rules for VIPs, because the science shows that important people don’t transmit the virus.
"All the latest data suggests it’s only spread by ordinary scum.
If you’re on the board of a major company that sponsors sporting tournaments, the antibodies arrive automatically because they’re attracted by discussions about stock market prices. So there is absolutely no risk to the filthy common public.”
Secretary of State for Justice Robert Buckland
Justice Secretary Robert Buckland said UEFA officials “won’t just be here on a jolly, they’ll be doing important work”.
Of course they will. The selfless workaholics, they’ll hardly see the games because they’ll be popping round all the houses in Wembley to say: “Excuse me, I’m from UEFA and I’ve come to do your washing-up”.
During that week, if you see workmen digging up the road, they’ll be UEFA officials repairing a gas pipe, because they’re not just coming here on a jolly.
When you see people in yellow jackets painting railings, at first you might think they’re young offenders doing their community service, but listen carefully and you’ll hear them talking about proposed rule changes to handball laws because it will be the hard-working committee of UEFA.
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So if you’re disappointed because you can only have 30 guests at your wedding, all you have to do is get your friends to become executives for Adidas – or some other major sponsor of a football tournament – and you can have as many people there as you like.
If you haven’t had a squeeze with your elderly parents since March 2020, instead of complaining, get your mum on to the board of UEFA as someone who fiddles pointlessly with the offside rule every few months, and you can hug away with them and all their friends, over lightly grilled sea bass in a corporate box at Wembley.
The Government has also explained how the invitation to UEFA is “very important for business”. That makes sense, because there are many reasons why businesses are attracted to a country.
They take into account the cost of land, access to markets, the skills of the workforce or the currency rates.
But most important of all is they need to know a crowd of unknown VIPs were allowed to go there and get p***ed up for free at a football match.
The clue is in the title. These are VIPs so they are VERY important people.
They must be allowed to break the rules, because where would worthless people like nurses and care home workers be, without very important people such as medium-ranking executives from Coca-Cola, keeping the country going with their important work of eating canapés in an executive lounge?