Is life getting harder in the South and easier in the North? (Image: PA)
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It seems to be a trend now that the North votes for the Tories while the once blue South votes against them.
Thousands of pundits try to explain this, but one explanation could be that life is becoming a bit easier in the North, and more difficult in the South.
Now you hear coffee waiters from Croydon saying: “It’s all right for them up in Doncaster.
"Some of them Yorkshire folk have never SEEN a coffee machine. 12 hour shifts I have to do, six days a week, I come out covered in beans, you can’t get the smell out, I’m exhausted.”
Everyone in the South has to live with their parents until they’re 60 as they can’t buy anywhere.
Osteopaths and graphic artists complain: “Look at them in Preston living in houses that are so fancy they have a ‘garden’.
“We asked the renting agency for somewhere with a bit of green and they offered us a one-bedroom flat with mould growing across one wall.
"We had to pay extra for it, and now it’s where we grow beetroots and spring onions.”
Maybe the BBC will move completely to Salford, then they’ll send reporters to wander round Surrey, saying wearily: “Look at this forgotten estate in Guildford where, every day, ex-interior decorators hang around the streets taking heroin.
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"Many of them have moved to Middlesbrough to try to get work, anything they can, but most of them end up begging in Stockton High Street.”
As companies close down across the South, we’ll hear anguish from people in High Wycombe that: “Website designing has been in our family for three generations.
"Those posh people up Darlington don’t know what it means to us.
“We’ve been shut down unfairly, there’s enough algorithms in that software to keep us going for 100 years. This area will be devastated.”
Maybe Labour will choose a new leader, who says: “We have to break out of our traditional heartlands such as Hove and Canterbury, and try to win support in a few middle-class areas such as Wigan and Halifax.”
Then, as the Tories win due to the votes of affluent areas such as Gateshead and Rotherham, there will be an interview with a young woman in a bedsit in Crawley saying: “We’re all on zero-hours contracts down here, but try telling them that in Sunderland and they don’t care.”
Homes Under the Hammer will take engineers from Wakefield down to Watford, where a house has been repossessed because a philosophy lecturer got behind on the mortgage.
Eventually there will be a crusade of the unemployed, from desolate Maidstone up to posh Jarrow, pleading to be noticed, chanting: “Car sales staff of north-west Kent, beg for help to pay our rent.”
In the end it will all come to a head in the great craft potters’ strike, in which millions of people spend a year shouting: “Glazed artisan salad bowl, not dole.”